This is a relationship where the balance of power is vastly out of balance. Though the young woman has a level of participation here, this can be just as destructive to her self-esteem as other forms of sexual assault but is much harder to rectify. Here is why. If you go to a theater to see the play, you must put yourself in a certain frame of mind. Let’s say the play is Chekov’s Uncle Vanya. In the theater, you are sitting among hundreds of people. The theater doesn’t sound like Russia, and the theater doesn’t smell like Russia, but to take pleasure in the show, you dismiss all that and tell yourself you are in a country estate in 19th-century Russia. This is called a willing suspension of disbelief. So is the problem for young women in sexually exploitative relationships. The tradeoff is they dismiss the reality of the situation for some immediate payoff. The show eventually ends in the theater, and you return to reality. You get into your car and drive home. There is no such ending for young women in these relationships. The willing suspension of disbelief doesn’t end, inevitably leading to a bad outcome. Here are a few considerations for them to consider.

1. The most important thing to know if you are in a relationship with a teacher, a coach, a relative, or any person in authority (and that includes flirtation, sexting, or an actual physical relationship,) no matter how good it makes you feel it very well may have legal consequences, and it will include you. Once that happens, it’s out of your hands. If you think you live in a society that does not prioritize women’s safety, wait and see how his defense lawyer feels about that subject. And you can imagine what your personal life will become once this gets on social media.
2. If he makes you feel special, or beautiful, or smart, and you very well may be. But he is telling you that because he knows exactly what to say. He has a sense of your vulnerability and is manipulating you to exploit it.

In the theater, manipulating a sense of reality is a fair trade for the participants. You enjoy an hour of entertainment, and the playwright gets his work seen, then it ends. You don’t spend the rest of the week thinking you are in 19th-century Russia. In sexually exploitative relationships, there is no such equanimity of payoffs nor clear ending exits because one party uses you to meet his own needs, not yours. This can be not easy to see and for very good reasons. Men who do this are masters, and you are not. Predators take time to hone their craft. You probably are not the first person to whom he is saying all these things, only the most successful. This again involves a type of expectation bias, but is more difficult to overcome.

Relationship Resource Management

In the late 1970s, the Captain of an airliner became so obsessed with a burned-out light in the cockpit that he failed to listen to the advice of the crew members who wanted to land. Instead, the Captain believed he was right, ignored their inputs, and the plane ran out of fuel and crashed. (At the time of the crash, the bulb still wasn’t fixed.)

As a result of this accident, commercial aviation developed a concept that involved ensuring all crew members’ concerns were heard when a situation arose called Crew Resource Management. The idea was “It’s not important who’s right, it’s what right.” I call it Relationship Resource Management for women, who can benefit similarly.

If you are in an abusive or inappropriate relationship, you have people around you, and you mustn’t silence them like the Captain did that night. If you use good Relationship Resource Management, you consider the opinion of everyone in your sphere of influence that you respect. They have agency and cannot be dismissed out of hand. Remember, the main idea of Relationship Resource Management is “It’s not important who’s right, it’s what’s right.”

The idea was “It’s not important who’s right, it’s what right.” I call it Relationship Resource Management for women, who can benefit similarly.